Cover Snark: On Call at Nips General

*chants* Cover snark! Cover snark! *chants*

Doctor O by Lilian Monroe. A very veiny, greasy, and shirtless man is looking down at his crotch. He has a stethoscope around his neck, so you know he must be a doctor.

Amanda: Another doctor on call at Nips General Hospital.

Sarah: I wonder what their private practice wall art is like. I bet it isn’t sunsets and successories about health.

Shana: So. Many. Veins. It must be easy for him to do a blood draw on himself.

AJ: Sir, please put your shirt on, I’m not here for that kind of injection.

Lara: I’m looking at that raised shape on this forehead and I can think of two possibilities: 1. Intensely angry with his naughty abs and/or penis . 2. He’s shapeshifting into a unicorn!

Catherine: Lara, your second suggestion is spot on. And obviously it takes effort to shapeshift, which is why all his veins are popping out. (Incidentally, since when are veins sexy to non-vampire people? Or am I the only one who finds them unappealing?)

Sneezy: Could he be part Klingon?

CarrieS: You’d think a doctor would know how dangerous that amount of dehydration is.

Lost Love by Kelly Elliot. A man in his undies is kneeling in a bed. He's pulling a woman's legs around his waist, but all you can see are the legs. No body or torso or anything else.

Amanda: Nothing says romance like a disembodied pair of legs.

Sarah: That you wear like handlebars.

Carrie: Mannequin IV: The Yoga version.

Elyse: I’m not an expert or anything, but I don’t think that sex position works…unless you’re trying to have intercourse with her knees.

AJ: Their game of “Head and Shoulders, Knees and Toes” took a tragic turn …

Catherine: Lost love indeed. He’s lost the top two thirds of his girlfriend, by the look of it.

Sneezy: His head is barely in the frame. It looks like his torso is some kind of parasite, and the nipples are the eyes.

Pestilence by Laura Thalassa. A long, blond-haired dude (a la Orlando Bloom Legolas from Lord of the Rings) is very interested in what's going on by his peen.

From Darlynne: There is a great deal to like about this cover. I am particularly enamored of his glyphs and armor, although a good shampoo wouldn’t go amiss. But looking down at himself, and some of those glyphs pointing into his pants…

What’s Pestilence got down there and why do we have to think about that? Probably not the right pose for this particular horseman.

Sarah: He’s very interested in his pants, and what they contain. Is that the real pestilence?

Amanda: I like how is armor is only for the arms.

ARMor.

Aarya: The armor just in the arms makes me think that he wants to hide something. Like, diseased arms. It might just be for cosmetic purposes!

Sarah: He should keep his hands out of his pants for sure.

Amanda: I believe Elyse reviewed this one but couldn’t get past the genocide angle.

Aarya: I don’t know if you watched the Good Omens adaptation, but the way the Four Horsemen are portrayed there (evil and genocidal) makes me feel like Four Horsemen are a really tough draw. Then again, I don’t like a lot of dark heroes.

Elyse: Yeah it was…a lot.

Sarah: I was just wondering that, Amanda, was this the one where the hero had to kill a LOT OF PEOPLE and it was all okay with everyone but her?

Elyse: Yes.

Sarah: OKAY BUT WHAT ABOUT HIS PANTS.

Amanda: It’s definitely a book I recommend for the “morality chain” trope.

Elyse: He kills little kids and old people, though.

Aarya: Oh nooo. Does he stop killing at the end?

Elyse: Nope.

Show Spoiler
Well, his part of the apocalypse is over so he gets to retire but he doesn’t quit for ethical reasons.

When I got to the little kids I thought that this would be the part where he was like “no, I can’t do this anymore” but he was like /shrug.

And I never got the impression that he was unable to stop. Like he didn’t have free will. It was just his job.

I could totally see how people are really into morality chain tropes would like it. It reminds me of a lot of fan fic with villain characters.

Lara: I saw the title. Saw what appeared to be a pregnant belly and/or broken spine. And then it became obvious: he is birthing the pestilence! This is Alien fanfic!

Catherine: Why is his spine on the front of his body? This is making me very uncomfortable.

Sneezy: THIS one has to be part Klingon! And fuck faux armor! ESPECIALLY ON BARE SKIN. I bet they chafe and STAB.

Tara: I think I might be the only one who doesn’t mind the armor that protects barely anything, but that’s only because it seems fair after years of bad armor design for women in video games.

Elyse: Also the sequel has nonsense armor too.

War by Laura Thalassa. A long-haired dude in a desert. His chest is bare, save for one leather shoulder pad.

Elyse: Luckily his left nipple is protected.

Amanda: Well that’s obviously his favorite one.

Elyse: No idea how she’s going to do Famine.

Aarya: It might not be! His hair might be covering the unprotected left nipple.

Those names are…off putting. I’m okay with War and Death, but the other two are…unattractive.

Amanda: I mean, yeah, Pestilence is not sexy.

Aarya: I’m wondering if the names would be improved if she gave them the JR Ward treatment. You know, Fhamine or Pezstilhence.

Carrie: Oh, War. You, at least, should know better.

Elyse: I kinda feel like this is the equivalent of all the dumb cleavage armor female characters wear. Like all of his vulnerable spots are totally exposed.

Sarah: I bet his nipple is covered. He wants to keep the option of a position at Nips General Hospital as a backup option, should being WAR not work out.

AJ: I was going to try to logically extrapolate the position of his left nipple so we could settle this once and for all … but then I realized that there is no logic to nipple placement on romance covers. It could be anywhere. It could be IN YOUR HOUSE.

Fear the nipple. FEAR IT.

Catherine: I’m with Carrie. War ought to know that armor works better if it actually covers your torso.

Sneezy: AJ, I had planned on sleeping in this life. *clutches canned beans and can opener under bed*

AJ: No sleep, Sneezy! Only cold beans and constant nipple vigilance.

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