Elyse Watches The Bachelorette–S15 E05: The Hunt

Elyse Watches The Bachelorette with Kraken Rum and Coke with a big rose at the bottomLast week on The Bachelorette, Luke S and Luke P fought about just everything. Luke S accused Luke P of telling Hannah lies about him, Luke P said Luke S was there for the wrong reasons, and Hannah got dragged into the middle of it.

It was like grade school level whining and bickering. By the end of the episode everyone wanted both Lukes to go home. Instead Hannah asked to speak to them alone.

If you’re wondering how I’m working up the fortitude to deal with tonight’s manufactured drama, the answer is this:

An enitrely full to the brim glass of white wine on the right and a glass of water on the left

That’s almost a half bottle of $6.99 Sauvignon Blanc and the water I’m going to need after. Not pictured: aspirin, more water, a morning full of regret.

Anyway, let’s jump into it.

Hannah asks both Lukes to talk to each other in front of her, instead of all of the back and forth. They bicker at each other and Hannah eventually just gets up and leaves.

Both Lukes talk to each other while Hannah sits between them.

Chris Harrison gathers all of the dudes and tells them that the night is over, and they are going straight to the Dreaded Rose Ceremony.

“I know you guys don’t want hear anything from me right now…” Luke P begins.

“We don’t,” a bunch of the guys say at once, cutting him off.

Right before Hannah starts handing out roses, Luke S asks to talk to her for a moment. “Uh….yeah. Sure,” she says, super annoyed.

Luke S tells her he’s done with the show, and to be wary of Luke P. He leaves. Hannah looks like she wants a nap so bad. She moves forward with the Dreaded Rose Ceremony. The final rose goes to Luke P. John Paul Jones and Matteo go home.

In a cutaway Hannah tells the camera that she has “crazy chemistry” with Luke P and while her head doesn’t always want him there, her heart does. I think she might want to have sex with him and, hey, you do you do, Hannah.

So then Luke P gives a toast where he says, “To finding your forever and having the time of your lives while on the hunt.”

On the hunt.

Well. That’s…alarming.

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A woman slams a drink while looking panicked

So next up they all go to Inverness, Scotland. For the hunt, I guess.

There’s a commercial with Johnny Depp and I fast forward through that shit so fast. I may have taken a medicinal gulp of wine.

The first one on one date goes to Mike. They go to a huge bookstore and I’m SO JEALOUS. I’d date anyone to go to that bookstore. I’d be there for the right reasons (books). Then they go to a candy shop and I’M STILL SO JEALOUS. They taste whiskey. I actually don’t like whiskey, but I’d drink it to get to the bookstore. They finish off at a pub where they try haggis.

“Is this the Loch Ness Monster?” a drunk Hannah asks.

I want to hang out with Drunk Hannah and book/candy shop so bad (for the record, Hannah and Mike both like the haggis).

Hannah and Mike share a drink at a pub.

Mike tells Hannah he can see himself getting down on one knee in a couple of weeks, and she gives him the date rose.

Next up is the group date where a bunch of dudes compete in Highland games like axe throwing, yoke racing, and wrestling. For the record, Hannah is the only one who sinks her axe into the target and she does it with one hand tucked casually in the pocket of her winter coat. Jed wins the games.

During the cocktail hour, Hannah and Peter make out on a pool table. They try to make it look hot, but Peter keeps hitting his head on the lamp above them.

Peter and Hannah make out on a pool table.

Then Hannah and Tyler C go make out on a bed. Girl is not shy about her horniness, and I respect that. Plus you gotta weed out the shitty kissers.

In the end, Jed gets the rose.

Hannah reflects that the day went really great, and Luke P wasn’t there. She realizes that those two things are probably related.

So Luke P has the next one on one date. Garrett, and the bird that lives in his hair, stops Luke before he leaves the hotel and tells him in front of the other guys, “Be a man and keep our names out of your mouth.”

Hannah and Luke P picnic on a hillside facing the ocean. Hannah tells him that it concerns her that none of the other guys like him. Luke P says he’s been doing  a lot of thinking (doubtful) and that he thinks it comes down to the stuff he said about Luke S (duh).

Hannah looks out to sea and is like “Weeeeellllll…” She points out that not a single guy has anything nice to say about him, which goes beyond his drama with Luke S.

Then Luke P tells her how outside the show, everyone loves him. “I hate saying it,” he says, “but it’s the truth.”

Hannah is so irritated by that. “I …don’t tell me everyone loves… That’s why there are issues with the guys. That sounds boastful. Do you get that?”

“Yeah,” he says, not getting it.

Luke P says he just wants to get on with enjoying the day, while Hannah stares ahead and maybe contemplates how much wine is in that picnic basket. She asks him to talk about his actual emotions.

Hannah and Luke sit on a hillside and talk

So then Luke P rambles on about how disrespectful the other guys are to him, but how he doesn’t let it get to him because he’s here for Hannah.

“Did I answer that well?” he asks.

“No!” Hannah says. She asks for a minute and gets up.

She walks up to a couple producers and tells them she doesn’t know how to deal with Luke. “Like, he has to have emotions,” she speculates. She flat out asks them to go explain to him what she’s asking for when she asks him about his feelings. They refuse.

When she sits back down she tells him he can basically only rehash old events or tell her how he’s there for her, but doesn’t give her substance beyond that. Then she says, “I don’t know. Let’s go look at this castle.”

“I just feel like you just say stuff you know I’m going to like, and I just wanna talk to you about normal stuff. Like, do you like macaroni and cheese or spaghetti more?” Hannah says. “I just wanna know the real stuff. And you’re just talking in ways that sound good.”

Hannah tells the camera that she still likes Luke P, even if she doesn’t want to.

During dinner she tells him she was hopeful for the date, but she felt like she couldn’t focus on their relationship because the day went so poorly. She tells him he’s putting up a facade. He definitely doesn’t know what the word “façade” means.

So then Luke P says he hasn’t had the “real” Hannah that he had in the beginning, and it’s really hard for him because the other guys don’t like him.

OMG Luke P

Tony Stark rolls his eyes

They talk more and it’s excruciating. Luke P can’t come up with anything genuine to say. He finally tells Hannah that he loves “every single thing” about her. Then he tells her he doesn’t think he has any traits she doesn’t like and she’s like, “Yes! Yes, you do!”

“The thought of everything hurts me,” says Luke P.

WTF does that even mean?


Michael Bolton Shrugs

The episode ends with Hannah not giving Luke P a rose. He could still get one in the Dreaded Rose Ceremony next time. Ugh.

Why do you think Hannah has kept him around so long? Are you watching?

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