Elyse Watches The Bachelorette–S15 E10: It’s Windmill Time, Bitches!

Elyse Watches The Bachelorette with Kraken Rum and Coke with a big rose at the bottomHappy Thursday everyone! It’s Bachelorette time, and this week is Fantasy Suites week which means we’re finally going to get the “fucking in a windmill” that Hannah promised.

It’s time for the show!

Everyone is in Crete, Greece, and the first date goes to Peter. He and Hannah go sailing and spend some time making out on the deck of the boat. At one point we see a deckhand doing sailing stuff while trying not to look at the couple rolling around on the deck.

Peter smiles as he stands in front of a turquoise blue sea

Then they have dinner (that they aren’t allowed to eat). Peter tells Hannah that he’s in love with her. In my opinion, Peter and Hannah have the most chemistry together. When they’re on dates they’re giggly and silly and constantly grinning. They seem to genuinely have fun when they’re with each other.

So then we get the creepy-as-fuck letter from Chris Harrison. If you’ve never seen a season of this show before, when we get to the Fantasy Suites episode, the Bachelor/Bachelorette opens a letter that Chris Harrison hand writes inviting them to spend the night together in a Fantasy Suite. I assume Chris writes this letter in the blood of a former contestant.

Now, there’s no camera in the Fantasy Suites (which is the point), and some couples have sex, others use it to really talk off-camera about stuff they may not want aired. This is the most alone time they’ll get together.

So Hannah invites Peter to the Fantasy Suite…and it’s a fucking windmill you guys! Hannah pulls a condom out of a decorative box before the camera pans away.

click for windmill!

Hannah and Peter walk up to the windmill. Peter says "Greece is known for the windmills right?"

The next morning Peter says, “We came together so much last night,” then quickly adds, “we bonded!”

Sure ya did

Rocket from Guardians of the Galaxy winks

The next date goes to Tyler. They go to a spa where they get wraps and massages. Then Tyler massages Hannah and they make out while she’s mostly laying down, he’s laying on her back, and she’s got her neck craned around to kiss him. It looks like something that would cause me to a pull a muscle. Also I’m pretty sure Tyler grabs a titty.

I hope that their two massage therapists got to leave and they aren’t just awkwardly standing in the corner.

Click for Tyler and Hannah’s massage

Tyler massages Hannah's leg

Hannah tells the camera that they have great physical chemistry, but she’s not sure she and Tyler are emotionally on track.

At dinner Hannah asks Tyler to the Fantasy Suite (a yacht in this case), but tells him that she’s not going to have sex with him. She feels like they need this time to really talk. Tyler agrees with her, and Hannah says that she likes how he “celebrates my boundaries.”

Next up is Jed. He’s still reeling from the fact that Hannah couldn’t choose him over Luke the Douche. They join a family gathering where they dance, eat and do shots. Jed asks to talk to Hannah alone, and asks how its possible for Luke to still be in the running.

“Like how honest do you want me to be?” Hannah asks.

She tells him that she has a connection to Luke that she’s still trying to figure out.

At dinner, Jed brings Luke up again. “I guess at the core, it says a lot about your decisions that you can tell me you’re falling in love with me but still keep someone around who has been toxic to this process and you and everyone else.” Then he adds, “I’m worried that you have a hard time letting go of things that aren’t good for you in your life.”

“Yikes, man,” Hannah says, and slams a glass of wine. She gets up and walks away, and Jed follows.

“I do not want to do this anymore,” Hannah says. She tells him that she needs to be with someone who trusts her and her decision making.

Jed tells her that he loves her, and that his comments come from a place of concern.

Hannah says that it was a hard conversation, but she’s glad they had it. She invites him to the Fantasy Suite.

Then, finally, it’s time for Luke’s date and the drama we have been promised. They go for a helicopter ride to Santorini. Luke tells Hannah that he sees her as his future wife.

So then they go to dinner and that’s when shit gets real.

Luke tells Hannah that he’s the spiritual leader in his household. Then he says, “Sex is an incredible thing. And it’s a beautiful thing. Well, only, when it’s within the guidelines of marriage. And the marriage bed should be kept pure.”

Luke admits he’s not a virgin, and he knows she’s not either. He’s abstained from sex for three and half years, and is saving himself for marriage.

“I just don’t think [sex in the fantasy suites] is something you should be doing,” Luke says, “and I just want to make sure that you’re not going to be sexually intimate with the other relationships here. If you told me you had sex with one or multiple of these, I’d be willing to go home 100%.”

Hannah replies, “The way you said that…Why do you have the right to do that? Because you’re not my husband.”

“Can I cut you off for a second?” Luke asks.

“No,” Hannah says, then continues, “You’re judging me? And you feel like you have the right to, and you don’t at this point. Sex might be a sin out of marriage, but so is pride. And I feel like this is a pride thing.”

So then Luke says, “Hannah, I don’t take it lightly when I say I love you. Let’s say I’m the last date. Let’s say you’ve had sex. Throwing a crazy scenario at you, let’s say you’ve had sex with all of these other relationships. I’m willing to work through that with you.”

“You’re ‘willing’ to work through this…” she says. “I’m a grown woman and I can make my own decisions. And I’m not strapped to a man right now.”

“See, I don’t want to get into being misconstrued and being misunderstood again because it’s happened a lot with me throughout this process,” Luke starts. “I can understand a slip up. But with all of them?”

The moment Hannah finally realizes that Luke is complete shite.

Hannah's face going from a smile to a look of utterly cold, Excuse me WTF did you just say

Hannah stops him. “The words you’re saying are really not okay. You’re holding people to standard you don’t even live by. Well, I want somebody who can get along with people, who doesn’t have pride issues.”

“I guess I did say something I don’t mean because if I found out, with one of these relationships, you slipped up, it wouldn’t change anything,” Luke says.

“I don’t slip up,” Hannah snaps. Then she cites the passage in the Bible about not casting the first stone. “I feel like I’ve finally gotten clarity on you, and I don’t want you to be my husband.”

“Can you give me a chance to speak?” Luke asks.

“No,” Hannah says. She stands up to walk him out, but Luke refuses to move.

“I feel like you owe me a minute to–”

“I do not owe you ANYTHING, please GET UP,” she snaps.

Hannah standing over Luke who is looking at his lap like a bozo. Her hands are on the back of her chair and she is upset and yelling at him, likely elling him to get up and get out already THANK GOD.

 

Luke keeps talking as they walk, “I’m not judging you or condemning you. But Hannah, I do love you and I do see a future with you. There’s something preventing me from getting in that limo right now.”

Then we get the best moment in the entire history of this franchise. “I can probably get you to go into that limo,” Hannah replies. “So, I have had sex.”

“Say what?” Luke asks.

“Jesus still loves me,” Hannah tells him. “From obviously the way you feel… Me fucking in a windmill, you probably want to leave. I didn’t just go to a Fantasy Suite. I fucked in a windmill. And guess what. We did it a second time.” She opens the car door and adds, “And my husband would never say what you said to me.”

Luke still refuses to get in the car. “Can I pray over you before I leave?” he asks.

“No!” Hannah yells.

He finally gets in the car and she flips him off as it pulls away.

Hannah stands and watches the limo leave with her middle finger raised though it's blurry because network television. Luke is FINALLY gone.

And that is the glorious, glorious end to that episode.

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